Human beings are very complex and messy. Human nature itself is a complicated structure to fully understand as a whole. But what we can know about humans is through our own experiences and what we interpret from others. Just recently I was in a dance class at BDC (Broadway Dance Center) and we were discussing being true and honest with ourselves from moment to moment while telling a story. This often brings things out of people that 'they' and many other people do not want people to see. It is the ugly within ourselves that we often try to hide or facade from others to try or gain others approval. To show how you truly feel from moment to moment I actually think is very vulnerable and brave. It is not easy. It is one of the reasons I love acting because living from moment to moment is like roller coaster. Life really is a roller coaster. You can create feelings but really living and just letting everything go around you and having a sense of that surrounding and being brave to truly express how you feel I find is absolutely beautiful no matter how ugly it gets.
Lately I have been having a hard time being vulnerable and open to how I feel in my personal life. Embracing my ugly is something I have been exploring the last week or two in understanding why being vulnerable has been hard for me. Being vulnerable is something I would describe as sensitive and delicate. To be vulnerable is to be open, honest, revealing. In knowledge of that, we must also understand we as humans will have shields. We would never survive as a human if we didn't have some sort of protection for ourselves. Humans are messy. Every human has a heart and no one wants their heart, mind, soul or being stomped on and thrown out the window into the garbage shoot.
But here is my question to you: When does shielding yourself become of a hindrance to the human experience?
Personally. I had a lot barriers around me when I was younger. During my teenage years I feel I put so many shields up to protect myself that in many ways I feel I was not living. I was just trying to survive. I can vividly remember trying take down many of my barriers in college. I remember it was a really rough experience. Embracing the good and the bad of me was not easy. And I don't think its easy for anyone really. Being honest with yourself and seeing all the colors of your being is like a dynamic pool of vibrations that never stops. Our colors will change from time to time but we have to embrace the ugly of it all.
Now I ask you this. What about enjoying the ugly? Is it so bad to allow ourselves to look in a mirror and say its ok that this part of who I am is ugly? To acknowledge the baggage that we carry is sometimes ugly and know that its ok. If we can accept who we are then life's doors will open. Others will embrace you and your ugly. Granted saying this is a lot easier said than done. 'The fact of storytelling hints at a fundamental human unease, hints at human imperfection. Where there is perfection there is no story to tell.'-Ben Okri As my mentor and manager has always told me 'Our imperfections are our greatest beauties.' Embracing the Ugly sometimes is exactly what we need in our lives. Live to Love. Live to be You. Live to be Free. Embracing who we are and facing the ugly sides of ourselves can be hard but if we try to open up and talk about it with the ones we trust and love, it is then we start living.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
The Discovery of my Wants and Needs.
I started talking to someone recently and they suggested I start writing on my blog again. So here I am taking yet another crack at it. I figure most people who say they have blogs tend to get the response of 'This is where you drop my baggage blog.' Hopefully that is not the case here as you read this. I will tell you my point of view and feelings about topics and life itself in my own way but allow the artist in me to live from moment to moment as I write.
Almost a year ago I left my family, friends, and a past life of living in Utah behind me so I could live a dream I have had for a long time. Driving across the United States by myself one of the most craziest things I have ever done. I look back now and wonder how I did it. After a four day drive across the U.S. I have not driven all that much since then. But as I started my journey to NYC, I really was in a bind with my life. Now lets back track here so you understand my bind. Months earlier I was still in college working on multiple projects with the University of Utah. One being an original production and the other being a classic musical that is loved by all. (Before I go any further I want to mention how each production at the University of Utah really did a lot good in my life. Creating a musical with an awesome group of artists and being able to play with them is something I will always cherish and be grateful for.) During that time I was One ready to be done with the whole college thing, Two hated what I was doing and Three I was just burnt out. I had put so much work into what I really wanted and I felt like a fly on the wall a good chunk of the time. This brought to question 'Is this what I really want?' If this is how I feel now why would I want to keep doing this for the rest of my life?! So I looked around to see if there was something else I could do that could be just as fulfilling to me as an acting career. With not a whole lot of luck in that department. I took the advice of teacher and mentor of mine and decided to travel the world a little bit and gain a new perspective of the world. Something I did know is that if I didn't travel the world before or very shortly after my college graduation that I would never do it so I ended up going on a six week study abroad to the UK and traveled to three countries. This was by far one of the best decisions I ever made. Life itself opened its doors to me. I felt so loved and culturally fulfilled in that time I had in Europe. It also opened my eyes of why I loved theatre. But I still brought into question. 'Is this what I really want?' An artists life is not easy. There is a lot of unknown. I still had enough faith in myself to move to NYC and make it work because I did know this. I was meant to live in NYC. I knew that I would be happy in NYC. I loved the two previous summers in NYC I was lucky enough to spend in NYC and I knew enough people there that I would be alright.
Back to July 2014. I move to NYC get my life in order start working two jobs and meeting some of the coolest people I have ever met. My personal life was going great. My work life felt like a complete mess. I was not happy. I was not doing what I really wanted to do. So I ended up quitting one of the jobs and decided it was time to get back into the swing of things and give my acting career an actual shot after a six month hiatus. I figured why not? What do I have to lose here? Got back into the swing of things and I remember saying this to myself. I have to do this more me and no one else. I know that may come off as being jealous, selfish or pious but I really never really took the time to love what I did and love who I was within the art I love. It was more like a rebirth for myself. I learned to love who I was. I learned that I was enough. I also learned I really did not know my gifts they way I thought I did. I still don't. I have more knowledge of them now but I still got a lifetime to go to understand myself and my gifts. I would go to my vocal coaches, manager, and countless others to hear the same thing that I had a gift and I needed to share it. So I started going to auditions in January and started snagging callbacks and some singing gigs here and there. But during the audition season at times I was still wondering Is this what I want? After many conversations with my mother and myself trying to figure out what I was doing with my life I ended up realizing that I am right where I need to be and that Acting is the career for me. I don't know what else could truly make me happy and fulfilled. Yeah its tough. Tougher than I thought at times but I am so glad I moved to NYC to go for a career I have always wanted.
Now onto my personal life. So when I moved to NYC I told myself that I needed a friend base that was not in the realm of Theatre. I knew when moving to NYC that if all my friends where in the same business as me I would go nuts. Don't get me wrong. I love artists but there is much more to life than art. Luckily I was fortunate enough to find friends really quickly here in NYC. They have supported me through my highs and my lows and I have done the same for their lives. NYC is one of the greatest cities in the world. But with that greatness can come a sucker punch to the stomach also. NYC will chew you up, spit you out and stomp on you if you are not watching. I have been fortunate enough to be able to talk to people and have support with my friends during those times and have been able to talk about serious, crazy, funny, and odd Dylan moments throughout the week.
Usually the only time I ever really see my friends is on the weekends and something my group of friends do every Sunday evening is have a Waffle Night. We meet at someones apartment and we have an unlimited amount of waffles and whatever else we decide to bring to munch on and enjoy each others company. This group activity has made friendships stronger and also allowed us to debate and have food for thought on many theological, philosophical, political and religious ideas. Usually when you have a group of words like theological, political, and religious ideas mixed in together you are spelling trouble and argument all over it. What is so interesting about this combo of words in this group is that it always comes with an interesting outlook to things. The point of view on the topics always has everyone thinking and exploring other possibilities. Many times the discussion get can so complex that I feel like the most uneducated person in the room. I have a few friends that are too smart for my own good.
I have been very fortunate to be able to have a group of friends here in NYC listen to me and enjoy who I am. Throughout my life I have seen people come and go and the ones that have ended up staying in my life are the ones that never mention to much about my acting career and focus on bigger picture. Something that I have found interesting is when people tell me to remember them when I am famous or when they only want to hear what I do as an actor and don't want to know anything else about me, it shows me that the relationship is bound to be a 2 dimensional friendship. Please don't get me wrong I don't mind you asking me what I have going on in my career. But if that's all you care about and you only just want to be able to say oh I knew him before he became big then that's ridiculous of you to think I am going to invest my time and energy into you. Thing is It Scares the Shit out of me thinking about Fame, Fortune, Glory etc.. A lot of those things come with a cost and also are just baggage to what I want to do. And the odds of me being famous are pretty low. Its not even something I see happening in my life. I just want to Live moment to moment. I don't want to worry about Fame and those things. Its just baggage. At the end of the day I just want to be able to do what I love and be happy and content with myself. That is something that I have really been trying to fulfill in my life these last few years. Living in Utah was hard for me. I felt ostracized, unwelcome, unloved, and not worth much. I was very unhappy at times while living in Utah during my Jr High, High School and College years because I knew I would happier somewhere else. Your question may be Why didn't I just go to NYC and move on with my life when I had the opportunity earlier in life? Well timing was not right and my education was important for me to complete. I am grateful to this day I ended up staying in Utah for as long as I did. It made me a very strong independent person. I have made this comment before and I will say it again. As much as I do not like Plain City I do have to thank the people of Plain City for giving me some pretty thick skin. It definitely has made life little easier for me since I left 5 years ago. And if anyone thinks I am coming back to live in Plain City you are out of your mind.
I am different.
I have a point of view.
I am not afraid to be me.
I want to have an acting career.
I am someone who just wants to be happy and content at the end of the day.
I need family and friends who will be at my side.
I need to be able to love myself.
I need to be able to express myself
I need to be able to open my heart and let someone in my life to love me for who I am.
I am me and no one can take that away from me.
NYC has made me a better person and I don't intend going anywhere else. My discoveries of my wants and needs in life are not going to easy to always have in balance. But what I do know is this. I know what I want and need in life. Knowledge is power my friends.
Peace and Love,
Dylan
Almost a year ago I left my family, friends, and a past life of living in Utah behind me so I could live a dream I have had for a long time. Driving across the United States by myself one of the most craziest things I have ever done. I look back now and wonder how I did it. After a four day drive across the U.S. I have not driven all that much since then. But as I started my journey to NYC, I really was in a bind with my life. Now lets back track here so you understand my bind. Months earlier I was still in college working on multiple projects with the University of Utah. One being an original production and the other being a classic musical that is loved by all. (Before I go any further I want to mention how each production at the University of Utah really did a lot good in my life. Creating a musical with an awesome group of artists and being able to play with them is something I will always cherish and be grateful for.) During that time I was One ready to be done with the whole college thing, Two hated what I was doing and Three I was just burnt out. I had put so much work into what I really wanted and I felt like a fly on the wall a good chunk of the time. This brought to question 'Is this what I really want?' If this is how I feel now why would I want to keep doing this for the rest of my life?! So I looked around to see if there was something else I could do that could be just as fulfilling to me as an acting career. With not a whole lot of luck in that department. I took the advice of teacher and mentor of mine and decided to travel the world a little bit and gain a new perspective of the world. Something I did know is that if I didn't travel the world before or very shortly after my college graduation that I would never do it so I ended up going on a six week study abroad to the UK and traveled to three countries. This was by far one of the best decisions I ever made. Life itself opened its doors to me. I felt so loved and culturally fulfilled in that time I had in Europe. It also opened my eyes of why I loved theatre. But I still brought into question. 'Is this what I really want?' An artists life is not easy. There is a lot of unknown. I still had enough faith in myself to move to NYC and make it work because I did know this. I was meant to live in NYC. I knew that I would be happy in NYC. I loved the two previous summers in NYC I was lucky enough to spend in NYC and I knew enough people there that I would be alright.
Back to July 2014. I move to NYC get my life in order start working two jobs and meeting some of the coolest people I have ever met. My personal life was going great. My work life felt like a complete mess. I was not happy. I was not doing what I really wanted to do. So I ended up quitting one of the jobs and decided it was time to get back into the swing of things and give my acting career an actual shot after a six month hiatus. I figured why not? What do I have to lose here? Got back into the swing of things and I remember saying this to myself. I have to do this more me and no one else. I know that may come off as being jealous, selfish or pious but I really never really took the time to love what I did and love who I was within the art I love. It was more like a rebirth for myself. I learned to love who I was. I learned that I was enough. I also learned I really did not know my gifts they way I thought I did. I still don't. I have more knowledge of them now but I still got a lifetime to go to understand myself and my gifts. I would go to my vocal coaches, manager, and countless others to hear the same thing that I had a gift and I needed to share it. So I started going to auditions in January and started snagging callbacks and some singing gigs here and there. But during the audition season at times I was still wondering Is this what I want? After many conversations with my mother and myself trying to figure out what I was doing with my life I ended up realizing that I am right where I need to be and that Acting is the career for me. I don't know what else could truly make me happy and fulfilled. Yeah its tough. Tougher than I thought at times but I am so glad I moved to NYC to go for a career I have always wanted.
Now onto my personal life. So when I moved to NYC I told myself that I needed a friend base that was not in the realm of Theatre. I knew when moving to NYC that if all my friends where in the same business as me I would go nuts. Don't get me wrong. I love artists but there is much more to life than art. Luckily I was fortunate enough to find friends really quickly here in NYC. They have supported me through my highs and my lows and I have done the same for their lives. NYC is one of the greatest cities in the world. But with that greatness can come a sucker punch to the stomach also. NYC will chew you up, spit you out and stomp on you if you are not watching. I have been fortunate enough to be able to talk to people and have support with my friends during those times and have been able to talk about serious, crazy, funny, and odd Dylan moments throughout the week.
Usually the only time I ever really see my friends is on the weekends and something my group of friends do every Sunday evening is have a Waffle Night. We meet at someones apartment and we have an unlimited amount of waffles and whatever else we decide to bring to munch on and enjoy each others company. This group activity has made friendships stronger and also allowed us to debate and have food for thought on many theological, philosophical, political and religious ideas. Usually when you have a group of words like theological, political, and religious ideas mixed in together you are spelling trouble and argument all over it. What is so interesting about this combo of words in this group is that it always comes with an interesting outlook to things. The point of view on the topics always has everyone thinking and exploring other possibilities. Many times the discussion get can so complex that I feel like the most uneducated person in the room. I have a few friends that are too smart for my own good.
I have been very fortunate to be able to have a group of friends here in NYC listen to me and enjoy who I am. Throughout my life I have seen people come and go and the ones that have ended up staying in my life are the ones that never mention to much about my acting career and focus on bigger picture. Something that I have found interesting is when people tell me to remember them when I am famous or when they only want to hear what I do as an actor and don't want to know anything else about me, it shows me that the relationship is bound to be a 2 dimensional friendship. Please don't get me wrong I don't mind you asking me what I have going on in my career. But if that's all you care about and you only just want to be able to say oh I knew him before he became big then that's ridiculous of you to think I am going to invest my time and energy into you. Thing is It Scares the Shit out of me thinking about Fame, Fortune, Glory etc.. A lot of those things come with a cost and also are just baggage to what I want to do. And the odds of me being famous are pretty low. Its not even something I see happening in my life. I just want to Live moment to moment. I don't want to worry about Fame and those things. Its just baggage. At the end of the day I just want to be able to do what I love and be happy and content with myself. That is something that I have really been trying to fulfill in my life these last few years. Living in Utah was hard for me. I felt ostracized, unwelcome, unloved, and not worth much. I was very unhappy at times while living in Utah during my Jr High, High School and College years because I knew I would happier somewhere else. Your question may be Why didn't I just go to NYC and move on with my life when I had the opportunity earlier in life? Well timing was not right and my education was important for me to complete. I am grateful to this day I ended up staying in Utah for as long as I did. It made me a very strong independent person. I have made this comment before and I will say it again. As much as I do not like Plain City I do have to thank the people of Plain City for giving me some pretty thick skin. It definitely has made life little easier for me since I left 5 years ago. And if anyone thinks I am coming back to live in Plain City you are out of your mind.
I am different.
I have a point of view.
I am not afraid to be me.
I want to have an acting career.
I am someone who just wants to be happy and content at the end of the day.
I need family and friends who will be at my side.
I need to be able to love myself.
I need to be able to express myself
I need to be able to open my heart and let someone in my life to love me for who I am.
I am me and no one can take that away from me.
NYC has made me a better person and I don't intend going anywhere else. My discoveries of my wants and needs in life are not going to easy to always have in balance. But what I do know is this. I know what I want and need in life. Knowledge is power my friends.
Peace and Love,
Dylan
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